The Greedy Capitalist

Another teenage terrorist caught

Palestinian terrorists tried to recruit a 15-year-old as a suicide bomber, at one point locking him in a dark room, but also luring him with clothes, a cell phone and promises of paradise, his family said Tuesday.

(Just kidding – I don’t believe in silly notions of heaven or hell. Glory be to the Supreme God Thor, who welcomes brave various to the glorious hall of Valhalla in Asgard.)

Alisa Veijo, California — City officials were so concerned about the potentially dangerous properties of dihydrogen monoxide that they considered banning foam cups after they learned the chemical was used in their production.
Then they learned, to their chagrin, that dihydrogen monoxide - H2O for short - is the scientific term for water.

Ooops

Ever wonder what would happen if you used handwashing detergent in place of dishwashing detergent?

Dear Valued User.

Email from [email protected]:

Dear Valued User.
At 0 : 12 Eastern Time on Thursday-January 29, 2004,
Microsoft started investigating reports of a variant of a new virus "Mydoom", known as Mydoom.A.
This worm reportedly stops access to some websites, including our Microsoft.com websites. The worm is noticed to entice electronic mail recipients into opening a message with a file attached. If the file attached is opened, virus installs malicious code on the computer user's system and sends itself to any contacts in the user's address book.
Please download the latest security patch available from Microsoft.com website or download this digitally signed attachment.

Castro accuses Bush of plotting to kill him

'We know that Mr. Bush has committed himself to the mafia ... to assassinate me,'' the Cuban president said, using the term commonly employed here to describe anti-Castro Cuban Americans. Castro's comments came at the end of a 5 ½ hour speech that began Thursday night and continued into early Friday at the closing of a conference bringing together activists across the region who oppose the Free Trade Area of the Americas. ''I can die a natural death or I can die a planned death,'' Castro said. ``It really doesn't matter to me how I die, but I will surely die fighting.''

Well, as long as you die soon (and hopefully painfully), I don't really care which it is...

Castro recently visited Venezuela, perhaps to coordinate the thousands of “advisors” he’s sending to Hugo “Now we have a permanent revolution!” Chavez so that he can better assist him in establishing a Communist state there. He explained how Venezuela could benefit from totalitarianism in a recent speech:

Fidel spoke about how Cuba was able to bring about a dramatic improvement in the living conditions of the people, emphasizing the major break-throughs achieved in the field of education and health.

Here is the reality:

Today, Cuba ranks last in Latin American per capita food consumption - cereals and especially meat and milk consumption are down dramatically - but it has not lost its medical capabilities. Instead, Cuba has reoriented its medical system to the task of earning foreign exchange. To do this, Cuba pioneered "health tourism" through agencies such as Servimed, which markets medical services abroad. Cuba is "the ideal destination for your health," it boasts, frankly admitting to being "a tourist subsystem."
"But an ordinary Cuban of 63 or 64 years is already feeble, an old man." For the poor, beaten down by the system and denied basic medical care, the medical system is all "lose."

Sounds about right

With a proposed annual budget of $756 billion, the Department of Deficit Obliteration will study ways to eliminate the gap between federal revenues and expenditures without any real cuts in spending that might cause discomfort for potential voters.

"from sadam's daughter"

Check out this email I just got:

Please I need urgent assistance and advice.
My name is Jume Hasa Hussein. I am daughter of Sadam Hussein, former ruler of Iraq Islamic Republic now in captivity. I was a student of Environmetal Microbiology at Islamic University Al-Athmia before the United Nations weapons inspectors arrived Iraq and subsequent outbreak of hostilities between my father and the Coalition forces. Eventually, my father was arrested at Ad-Dawr, Tikrit on the 13th day of december 2003. To my understanding, the american soldiers have narcotized my father.
There is a saying in Iraq "a lion in a cage is still a lion"

All my father's known assets have been confiscated by the united nation's coalition group as illegally acquired at the expense of our country. Three of my brothers where tortured to death by the US soldiers for withholding information of my father's whereabout. Other members of our family have fled our country for fear of persecution. I am presently broke and trapped in a hidden location in our country pending when I secure help from a good samaritan who will assist me to claim a sum of US$30million which my father deposited in my name in a secured vault in Victoria Island in 1995 during my twenty first birthday out of foresight should we his children ever find ourselves in this kind of situation.

Most importantly, apart from helping me claim this funds into your custody you will also help me relocate from iraq, to a place where I will conclude my studies with relative peace of mind. For your assistance I am willing to offer you a generous compensation, if you help me.

Send your response to my secure email address: [email protected] to enable me further this relationship.

sincerely

Ms. J. Hasana Hussein
[email protected]

"F*** Hitler! F*** the Nazis!"

This is one of the reaons I want a parrot: "inner thoughts of Britain's wartime leader Winston Churchill live on, thanks to the foul mouth of his 104-year-old parrot who lives at a garden centre in southeast England." Also check out JJ's take on it.

Post Office Stuck in Time Loop

A leading physicist claims to have figured out why the U.S. Postal Service loses a lot of mail and delivers most of the rest late -- post offices are "architectural anomalies" that cause time warps, wreaking havoc with letters, packages, sorting machines . . . and sometimes even mail carriers themselves.

"Mandatory Masks for the Ugly"

Federal officials who recently reported that over 140 million Americans are fat are now saying that at least that many are ugly. And the solution they're proposing is a law that would encourage or even require "facially challenged" citizens to cover up with masks, Weekly World News has learned.

But the news isn't all bad. According to sources at the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, those among you who are real homely will be able to choose from a wide range of "beauty masks," including Elvis in his prime, J.Lo, Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts.

The dramatic move comes as the Feds are reeling from a global perception that most Americans are grossly obese when, in fact, only half are.

Naked Sushi!

Mmmm, naked sushi. Eating sushing and eating..err, uh enjoying the company of women -- two of my favorite activities-- combined!

The Onion: Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves.

Dear Friend,

If you're like I was a year ago, you're in trouble with money. You have bad credit and BIG debts, and you're looking for answers. I've been where you are now, and I know the secret to getting out.

I've done everything you would expect to make money. Lottery tickets? I tried that. Books on getting rich in the stock market? I bought a library of them. Online casinos? I lost a fortune in them. Day-trading using free internet stock tips emailed to me by anonymous people? Been there. Sending money to strangers in Nigeria? Done that.

Despite my efforts, all of the above systems actually caused me to have LESS money, not MORE. Just like you, I didn't understand. But then I discovered the secret. How to REALLY MAKE MONEY. The secret is this:
(Continue reading at RightWingNews)

GET A JOB!!!!!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking! I didn't believe getting a job could work for me either. The other methods I'd tried all promised MILLIONS, and getting a job offered much less. But here is the secret: IT REALLY WORKS!!!!!!!!!

At first, it just didn't make sense. I applied for my first job and I was confused. I offered money to the guy who hired me and he acted like I was crazy. How could he not want money? Every other system I've tried wanted money up front, and then never delivered on the promise of more money in return at some later date. It was at that moment I knew I was on to something.

But friend, that was just the beginning. I worked hard, and after two weeks I GOT PAID. It was real $$$MONEY$$$ and NOT A LOAN. They told me the REAL CA$H I made was mine to KEEP FOREVER.

This AMAZING OPPORTUNITY is available to you as well. Give it a try and if you don't find yourself making HUNDREDS of dollars, EVERY WEEK.

Don't keep this life-changing secret to yourself! Please send this message to everyone you know!!!!!

Modern Art is Torture!

Thanks to Keenan for this and this story of modern art being used as a torture device. Now it's obvious to everyone but pretensions snobs that modern art is garbage, but it turns out that the Spanish nationalists actually used it to torture prisoners. If share my strong feelings about modern art, you can try my "Art or Fake" gallery to see if you can even tell apart fake modern art from...fake art, or go to my gallery of great art. Here is what one of the "artistic" prison cells looked like:

New SuperFans!

A new SuperFan series is in progress....updates coming soon!

Update: Check out the latest issue!

SuperFans Special: Halloween Edition

Rest assured that the large number of empty beer bottles does NOT belong to me.