"Mandatory Masks for the Ugly"

Federal officials who recently reported that over 140 million Americans are fat are now saying that at least that many are ugly. And the solution they’re proposing is a law that would encourage or even require “facially challenged” citizens to cover up with masks, Weekly World News has learned.

But the news isn’t all bad. According to sources at the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, those among you who are real homely will be able to choose from a wide range of “beauty masks,” including Elvis in his prime, J.Lo, Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts.

The dramatic move comes as the Feds are reeling from a global perception that most Americans are grossly obese when, in fact, only half are.

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0 Responses to "Mandatory Masks for the Ugly"

  1. How can you say that this is bad? I could make good money on Keenan “beauty masks”.

  2. Mike

    I agree with the above statement. They’d be a hot seller for Halloween.

  3. Mike

    Though this is all in fun, I learned yesterday that in the 1930’s almost every state had sterilization laws for the mentally ill/retarded/learning disabled and also regulated their marriages. This was all when eugentics was a hot topic, but I was stunned that our country ever engaged in such a thing.

  4. this all reminds me of an episode of Twilight zone (by the way, Ayn Rand mentioned it in The Romantic Manifesto), in which a woman is thought to be horribly disfigured and undergoes several surgeries to correct it. Finally, her last surgery fails and her face is revealed; she is a beautiful woman. Then the doctors faces are revealed; they are all horribly disfigured swinish faces. They force her to be taken somewhere with “her own kind”. Interesting concept. Its also the same type of persecution the Nazi’s utilized. Good thing its only Weekly World News, at first I thought this was legitimate. Coming from the government, I wouldn’t have been suprised.

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